How to avoid mixing forgiving and submitting?

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It’s crucial to understand that forgiveness and submitting are fundamentally different concepts. Confusing them can lead to being exploited or having your boundaries repeatedly violated.

Here’s how to distinguish them and avoid mixing them:

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is primarily an internal process that you undertake for your own well-being. It’s about:

1. Releasing Resentment and Bitterness: It means letting go of the anger, hurt, and desire for revenge that you hold towards someone who has wronged you. This is about freeing yourself from the emotional burden, not excusing the offender.
2. Choosing Your Own Peace: It’s an act of self-care. Holding onto grudges can negatively impact your mental, emotional, and even physical health (e.g., increased stress, anxiety, blood pressure). Forgiveness allows you to move forward and reclaim your peace.
3. Acknowledging the Hurt, Not Condoning the Action: Forgiveness does not mean saying “what you did was okay,” forgetting what happened, or condoning the harmful behavior. It means acknowledging the pain caused, but choosing to release your emotional attachment to that pain.
4. A Process, Not a Single Event: Forgiveness often takes time, reflection, and emotional processing. It’s not necessarily a one-time decision.

What is Submitting (in this context)?

Submitting, in the context of avoiding harm, typically means:

1. Passive Acceptance of Harm: Allowing another person to continue to disrespect, abuse, or take advantage of you.
2. Relinquishing Boundaries: Failing to establish or enforce personal boundaries, thereby allowing others to dictate your treatment or actions.
3. Giving Up Agency: Surrendering your power or ability to protect yourself and make choices that serve your well-being.
4. Returning to a Harmful Dynamic: Unconditionally restoring a relationship to its previous state, even when the harmful behavior has not changed or been addressed.

How to Forgive Without Submitting:

The key is to understand that forgiveness is about your internal state, while boundaries and actions are about your external behavior and safety.

1. Identify and Process Your Hurt First: Before you can truly forgive, you must acknowledge and feel the pain, anger, or sadness caused by the wrongdoing. Don’t rush this. This is about validating your own experience.
2. Set Clear, Healthy Boundaries: This is the most crucial step to avoid submitting.
   • Communicate Your Limits: Clearly articulate what behavior is unacceptable and what the consequences will be if those boundaries are crossed again.
   • Enforce Consequences: Follow through on your boundaries. If you say you will limit contact if a behavior continues, you must do so. This is how you teach others how you expect to be treated.
   • Prioritize Your Safety: If the person who wronged you is consistently harmful, abusive, or unwilling to change, your boundary might be to limit or even end the relationship. This is an act of self-prespreservation, not a lack of forgiveness.
3. Forgive for Yourself, Not for Them: Remind yourself that the act of forgiveness is to release your suffering. It does not require the other person to apologize, change, or even know you’ve forgiven them. You are not letting them “off the hook” externally, but letting yourself off the hook emotionally.
4. Separate Forgiveness from Reconciliation and Trust:
   • Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation: You can forgive someone without reconciling with them. Reconciliation requires mutual effort, remorse from the offender, and a re-establishment of trust.
   • Forgiveness ≠ Trust: You can forgive someone for past actions, but still choose not to trust them with your vulnerability in the future if their behavior hasn’t earned that trust back. Trust is earned over time through consistent, positive actions, not automatically granted by forgiveness.
5. Focus on the Future, Not Just the Past: Forgiveness helps you release the past. Then, focus your energy on creating a future where your well-being and boundaries are respected. This might mean making different choices about who you allow into your inner circle.
6. Seek Support: If you’re struggling with a significant wrong, a therapist or counselor can provide invaluable guidance on how to process your emotions, forgive without submitting, and set healthy boundaries.
7. Uphold Your Self-Respect and Self-Worth: Forgiveness is an affirmation that you are worthy of peace and healing, and that you refuse to let someone else’s actions control your emotional state. Submission, by contrast, often stems from a diminished sense of self-worth or a belief that one’s needs are secondary. Forgiving while maintaining boundaries demonstrates strong self-respect.
8. Recognize Forgiveness as an Active Choice: Forgiveness is not a passive surrender; it’s a powerful, deliberate decision to release emotional burdens. Submission is often a passive yielding to another’s will. Understanding this distinction empowers you to act from a place of agency and strength, rather than weakness.

By understanding forgiveness as an internal act of emotional liberation and simultaneously committing to strong, well-enforced boundaries, you can ensure that you move forward from hurt in a way that is empowering and protective, rather than submissive.